Wavering

Sometimes I feel like I am standing at the edge of a cliff.

Not the sort that if you jump off and lose everything and come crashing down, but one that you're standing at and looking down and little rocks and blowing over the side. I feel like things are slipping away and if I try hard enough, I can grab them before they go over, but sometimes they slide through my fingers if I don't snatch them quickly. And I'm trying to get a hold of one thing on my right and something on my left blows by and launches itself over the cliff.

While some things are like little pebbles, certain things feel like hugh boulders, rolling towards oblivion at the bottom of the ravine. My chances of getting married feel like that more and more. I'm young, I know, but I'm not that young. If I could get married and settle down tomorrow, I would take it no questions asked. I want stability. I want to build a life. Someone would be damn lucky to marry me. Just sayin', but its true.

I like to say that things don't affect me as much as they do, but what happened (or I guess didn't happen) with "Mr. Rogers" took its toll. I saw a real future there. I saw comfort, stability and was really kinda shocked that he was so suprised by the whole thing. We still give off the impression that we're dating. People ask questions. Guys can be so oblivious, I feel like he doesn't get it. Things have changed.

Derek. Talk about things changing. I don't know what happened. I do know. Nothing CAN happen. I miss him, its hard. I really want to know what he thinks. Was it fun? Does he get as excited to hear from me as I do from him? Do I make him smile? The questions will drive me crazy.

I told a friend from church about the situation on Saturday. She agreed that the whole thing was completely out of character for me. But is it? I feel like he opened me up a little. Gave me some confidence, self-esteem. That I can be sexy and not have people think its disgusting.

It depresses me when he doesn't respond. I know he is busy or with his family. I have no right to ask anything of him. He owes me nothing. My head knows this. My heart is another story, as cliche as that sounds. I am an (overly) emotional person. I'd like to think that he cares about me, at least as a person, as a friend, a coworker of sorts. I'd like to think there is a little spot in his life for me. And I know that's selfish, but why not? What's wrong with wanting people to care about me? Like it or not, I care about him. I care about his team, I care if he's having a bad day, I care about his work.

I'm a glutton for punishment, too. Can we just throw that out there? Its just cause I want to know. I want to know everything about him. Middle name, favorite food, last book he read, quirks, secrets, dreams. But that's not my place. I WANT THAT AND I'M AFRAID I NEVER WILL HAVE IT.

So I'm wavering. Do I continue until he tells me to stop? Do I continue even though he doesn't respond and I'm worried that I'm just being obnoixious? I'm being disrespectful of his family and as hard as I try to bring conviction upon myself that this is wrong, when all is right it feels so good.