Happy New Year!

I am one of those people, the people that don't make New Year's resolutions. It feels inevitably like I am setting myself up for failure to make a broad statement about something I want to do/change/accomplish/etc. in the upcoming 365 days. According to Time magazine, only 10% of resolutions are actually kept.  So that's not why I'm trying to finally make blogging "stick."

I saw something on TV the other day and the hosts were talking about making new habits or life changes as opposed to resolutions. For instance, since this past March, I've been trying to lose weight, but I'm definitely not on a diet. I look at as more of creating a new healthier lifestyle that leads to positive results. I think why I've been fairly successful, I've never put a number on it. This may seem to vague, but I do have smaller goals that I keep in mind.

Anyway, I've been wanting to make some other life changes for a while. Maybe it is the New Year and all the talk that comes with it, but it really started nearly a year ago when I lost my job. I really felt like the desk job was holding me down, not letting me express myself in a creative and meaningful way. I started to think about things that I wanted to learn and do and explore. I wanted to (and still want to) discover my passion, my dreams, my goals. And at the same time, I'm open to these developing and changing.

I started reading a book this afternoon called "The Bread Exchange" by a woman who took her love of baking bread around the world, trading homemade loaves for other handcrafted goods and endless stories. She said the whole thing started from frustration and dissatisfaction with her current lot in life. I kind of feel the same way. I'm paying the bills, have a little left over for fun, and am lucky enough to generally enjoy my current job (nannying). But I know there's more, and I know that discovering more will ultimately lead to more happiness.

Because of my faith, I know the first step to figuring any of this out is through prayer and setting God as the focus of my life. His plan for my life is better than anything I could ever imagine. So here goes. Life changes ahead.

Who am I?

This is something I've been trying to figure out for a long time. And something I don't feel like I'm making much progress at figuring out. What makes me unique? What defines me? What do I want? Questions I think everyone is searching for.

When Vicky asked me who I am last week, my mind went blank. I know what I probably should say, what should be the be all and end all, that I am a Child of God and that should be enough to satisfy any queries that may arise, including internal ones. If that is enough, why do I have such a difficult time resting in that?

I have always had a hard time describing myself, especially without sounding hollow and self-serving. I'm intelligent, I'm organized, I'm thoughtful and so forth. But this is not the essence of me. Anyone can rattle off a laundry list of characteristics and qualities they possess, but those alone do not make a person what they are in their core. I have a cat, I work at an ice arena, I live alone, I like Cocoa Krispies...again, not what makes me me.

Many people are also children of God, so that isn't necessarily unique, either. But God made me who I am, so it doesn't matter if I can distill my being into a neat sentence or two. My brain feels like its running in circles, sometimes!

Sitting in church this past Sunday, I had one of those experiences where you feel like the pastor is speaking directly to you. The theme of the sermon was how Jesus addresses Satan and evil in Scripture. Pastor Bob started by talking about how Jesus responded to three lies that the Devil challenges with during His 40 days of temptation in the wilderness. Jesus uses the answers to these lies as a way of defining Himself and I believe that I can apply these to myself, as well.

The lies are: You are what you DO, You are what you OWN, and you are what you RISK. These are things I have mulled over, worried about, feared, tried to avoid and generally have wasted a lot of time and brain space on. But Jesus spelled it out pretty clearly, imagine that! I'm not defined by my job, by how I spend my free time, by what kind of car I drive, by what kind of power I have, by what school I went to, and so on and so forth.

I am defined by what God has given me, what God has made me, the work that God asks me to do. And this should be enough. Anything from that list of characteristics that I can spout off is because of God, not because of anything that I made for myself.

Wavering

Sometimes I feel like I am standing at the edge of a cliff.

Not the sort that if you jump off and lose everything and come crashing down, but one that you're standing at and looking down and little rocks and blowing over the side. I feel like things are slipping away and if I try hard enough, I can grab them before they go over, but sometimes they slide through my fingers if I don't snatch them quickly. And I'm trying to get a hold of one thing on my right and something on my left blows by and launches itself over the cliff.

While some things are like little pebbles, certain things feel like hugh boulders, rolling towards oblivion at the bottom of the ravine. My chances of getting married feel like that more and more. I'm young, I know, but I'm not that young. If I could get married and settle down tomorrow, I would take it no questions asked. I want stability. I want to build a life. Someone would be damn lucky to marry me. Just sayin', but its true.

I like to say that things don't affect me as much as they do, but what happened (or I guess didn't happen) with "Mr. Rogers" took its toll. I saw a real future there. I saw comfort, stability and was really kinda shocked that he was so suprised by the whole thing. We still give off the impression that we're dating. People ask questions. Guys can be so oblivious, I feel like he doesn't get it. Things have changed.

Derek. Talk about things changing. I don't know what happened. I do know. Nothing CAN happen. I miss him, its hard. I really want to know what he thinks. Was it fun? Does he get as excited to hear from me as I do from him? Do I make him smile? The questions will drive me crazy.

I told a friend from church about the situation on Saturday. She agreed that the whole thing was completely out of character for me. But is it? I feel like he opened me up a little. Gave me some confidence, self-esteem. That I can be sexy and not have people think its disgusting.

It depresses me when he doesn't respond. I know he is busy or with his family. I have no right to ask anything of him. He owes me nothing. My head knows this. My heart is another story, as cliche as that sounds. I am an (overly) emotional person. I'd like to think that he cares about me, at least as a person, as a friend, a coworker of sorts. I'd like to think there is a little spot in his life for me. And I know that's selfish, but why not? What's wrong with wanting people to care about me? Like it or not, I care about him. I care about his team, I care if he's having a bad day, I care about his work.

I'm a glutton for punishment, too. Can we just throw that out there? Its just cause I want to know. I want to know everything about him. Middle name, favorite food, last book he read, quirks, secrets, dreams. But that's not my place. I WANT THAT AND I'M AFRAID I NEVER WILL HAVE IT.

So I'm wavering. Do I continue until he tells me to stop? Do I continue even though he doesn't respond and I'm worried that I'm just being obnoixious? I'm being disrespectful of his family and as hard as I try to bring conviction upon myself that this is wrong, when all is right it feels so good.

Just a little room...

There's a corner of your heart for me.

There's a corner of your heart just for me.
I will pack my bags just to stay in the corner of your heart.
Just to stay in the corner of your heart.

There is room beneath your bed for me.
There is room beneath your bed just for me.
I will leave this town just to sleep underneath your bed.
Just to sleep underneath your bed.

There's one minute of your day.
There's one minute of your day.
I will leave this man just to occupy one minute of your day.
Just to occupy one minute of your day.

Just to sleep underneath your bed.

Just to stay in the corner of you heart.

A Better Mood

I'm feeling better today. I had a really good time last night. Graham Colton + Stephen Kellogg + NeedToBreathe = AWESOME SHOW! The sun makes me feel better, too. I just want to soak it up through my eyes and my skin. Mmm, vitamin D!

And I talked to "Derek" at dinner. I can't stop. I'm addicted. He does something to me. Makes me feel special? Not quite. Let's me say things I've always wanted to say? I needed an outlet for my not-so-innocent side. I wish I knew how he felt. Does he think its sexy? Or just creepy? What would happen if he was single? Too many questions that just are not going to be answered. Let it be fun while it lasts. He's not putting a stop to it. I like to feel like I have a little power over him. He makes me smile, I make him smile. We think about each other. Does he? We care about how each other's doing, right? He thinks I'm funny, I like when he calls me naugthy. Good practice for the future.

Old fears coming back. Am I just obnoixious? Can I not believe that he really does want to talk to me? Who started it? I like to think that he opened the door and I walked in. I'm not totally to blame. But I can't let my mood depend on him. Pathetic. I can be strong. I pray that something happens. I've done it before and its worked. Good or bad, right? Out of sight, out of mind. I'd have to leave my job.